


Kahit Pa

by rolexdaddy (ohdyoskai)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: 2000s, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Marco Kim, Nostalgia, Rakista Soo, Time Travel
Language: Wikang Filipino
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-18 18:05:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15491604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohdyoskai/pseuds/rolexdaddy
Summary: Paskuhan. Putik sa sapatos dala ng ambon. Nokia 3310. Blue Book at Revised Penal Code. Tugtog ng gitara. Dampi ng labi. Ngiti na malabo. Oras na naaksaya natin. 2005, pwede pa bang ibalik?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based off my 30-something Jungen character, [Marco](https://twitter.com/ohdyoskai/status/1019652285368971264).  
> This is my second attempt at angst on this account! This fic is also mostly in English kaya mabilis kong nasulat kjnfdkg  
> Like AAA, this is not going to exceed a two or three chapters. The first part is just an intro of sorts.
> 
> Also just in case, this work was inspired by a lot of things! Like my most fave fic of all time If My Yesterday is a Disgrace ;~;  
> Orange, 13 Going on 30, and my OWN past fics (lol) have also served as inspo :)  
> Thank you Ms. Tricia and Ms. Paula for the advice!! And thanks to my RL friends who went with me on the research trips I did for this fic MEHEHEHE  
> This fic is for all my friends, oomfies and readers *u* ILU ALL
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one!! 8)

Tuesday is a lukewarm Americano nursed in [Marco](https://twitter.com/ohdyoskai/status/1019652285368971264)’s grip. His face reflected on the window  stained by raindrops looks sullen, marked by stress. The frame by his bedside drawer shows him in a white tuxedo, lips curled up in a smile. Beside him, his wife is just as pretty. The picture was taken a month ago on their wedding day. It was a happy occasion.

 

If he thinks hard enough... yeah maybe. Maybe he was happy.

 

Their new house smells of dried paint and cardboard boxes. It took him three years to build up the funds to afford this place. His sisters had visited on the day he signed the contract. Marco remembers the eldest gazing up at the high ceiling in awe, “You know.. Dad would have been so proud.”

 

‘ _So proud_.’

 

Just as the words cross his head, a car passes by outside and Marco is brought back to reality. Time to leave.

 

Walking to his closet is a feat. The half-opened, yet unpacked boxes make it difficult to reach his destination. Most of them contain her belongings. He doesn’t really own much, preferring to live more simply.

 

He is out the door by 8, scrambling to get out of the garage in his shiny Accord. Traffic at this hour is the worst. Marco’s lucky Sir Jun was generous enough to extend his honeymoon leave till last week. Being late on his first day back to work won’t cut him slack. He’s not heartless enough to abuse his boss’ pasensya.

 

The light drizzle builds up to a shower. By the time he’s at Magallanes, traffic is near standstill. Red lights, like tiny orbs in front of him. A gloomy Tuesday to welcome him back. Just perfect.

 

It’s almost an hour later when he gets to clock-in. Luckily, Sir Jun doesn’t bat an eye when he sits back in his chair. A good three weeks later, it still feels the same.

 

Who would’ve figured being married would change working in some way? Marco thought of this back then, when he’d first proposed. But now that the fan fare’s simmered away, everything’s kind of lackluster. Work is exactly the same, his life is exactly the same. The only thing that’s changed is maybe the fact that he lives in a different place, with his wife that he loves… _loves_ deeply.

 

But there’s a nagging feeling he can’t seem to get rid of.

 

\---

 

Wednesday, he climbs up the steep stairs to Alamat at Poblacion. Sehun and Baek are by the porch, cackling with shots of lambanog. Marco pops a few buttons of his black dress shirt open when he sits on his spot by the terrace.

 

Sehun slides him the menu, not even batting an eyelash. “Late ka na naman, gago,” he sneers. “Ikaw pa naman nagyaya dito. Ano order, ser??”

 

“Sausage platter ba ulit?” Marco chuckles. He taps on the paper. “Vigan tapos Cebu tapos… ano pa?”

 

“‘Ba yan, Marcoooo.” Baek drawls, slapping Sehun on the shoulder. It’s his habit. He likes hitting people when he’s tipsy. “‘Di ka ba nagsasawa sa kakakain ng hatdog?? Try naman tayo ng iba.” His face is dangerously close to Sehun’s when he asks, “Bagnet ba dito masarap?”

 

“Ewan ko, kuya. Cheers.”

 

Marco watches their glasses clink. A tiny spark in the calm of the evening.

 

Hump day is friends day. He makes it a point not to miss it. Tonight is their first since his wedding. Marco expected to be teased about it, but oddly enough they haven’t mentioned anything.

 

Senseless banter invades the table for a good fifteen minutes until their order arrives—regional sausage platter na paborito ni Marco. Of course, may Vigan at Cebu.

 

“Tutubuan ka na ng snout kaka-sausage mo, gago.”

 

Baek grimaces when Marco stuffs his face in one breath. Classy. He’s starving, they all know. OT usually has him in Ayala until 10. Then again, they’re used to Marco eating like a vacuum since college. He’s never really changed.

 

“Speaking of college,” Sehun starts. His expression turns bright, like he’s remembered something important. He picks up a fork and taps it on the wooden shared plate. “Nasa Pinas na daw ulit si Soo. Rinig niyo na ba ‘yun? Nakita ko sa Facebook.”

 

Marco stills. His eyes are lose focus on the sausages he’s yet to devour.

 

 _Soo_.

 

“O, tapos na pala tour ng banda niya sa States?”

 

“Oo, kuya.” Sehun pours himself another shot of lambanog. “Yung post niya sa Facebook, ‘Home sweet home’ daw, tapos nakaupo siya sa sofa sa bahay niya.”

 

“Ahhhh….” Baek’s voice is nonchalant, but Marco feels his eyes glaze over in concern. It’s always been this way. The guys have always taken extra care when mentioning Soo. He used to be bothered about it, but now he’s grown to not mind.

 

That’s good to hear. Soo is doing well.

 

Marco stabs a piece of sausage with too much force that the others in the pile almost topple off the plate. He keeps his head down when he stammers to apologize. If his friends shared a knowing look, he wouldn’t know.

 

Another two bottles of lambanog and a half-eaten order of bagnet later, Sehun points a finger in his direction. Sehun’s eyes are hazy. A careless smirk plays on his lips.

 

“Guys, ‘lam niyo ba… malapit na pala mag- _thirteen years_ since paskuhan??”

 

Baek grits his teeth and lets out a yelp. Marco is too dazed to function.

 

“ _Putanginaaaaa_ — _tanda na nateeeeennn_ —”

 

“Diba, pucha?? Tingnan mo kasal na nga si Marco!! Siya pa talaga nauna sa ‘tin.”

 

“Grabe naman,” Marco laughs, helping himself to a spoonful of bagnet. “Di ba ko mukhang kaworthy-worthy ikasal?”

 

“Eh kasi naman!! Sobrang _bagay kayo kaya ni Soo noon_!!” Baek rushes. “Alam mo naman yun diba? All these years, kayo talaga loveteam ko. Nagtataka nga kaming lahat kung ba’t di kayo nagkatuluyan, eh!!”

 

“Yan na naman, favorite topic ni Kuya Baek.” Sehun mirrors Marco, picking at the bagnet.

 

“Kasi andami niyo kayang what-ifs! Like, what if hindi kayo naghiwalay? What if kayo pa rin hanggang ngayon?”

 

“Eh, strict parents ni Marco noon, Kuya Baek. Diba nga halos sugurin tayo sa bilyaran nung nalaman niya nag-skip class si Marco para ng inuman?”

 

Baek shrinks in his seat. The memory has him sobering up a bit. “Ay shet, oo. Ang scary ‘nun.”

 

Marco sighs, remembering. That’s something he thought he’s forgotten about. Something he buried in the deepest parts of his conscience, never meant to be unearthed again.

 

“Anyways, masaya naman si Marco ngayon with his new wifey. WOOHOO!!”

 

Sehun raises his hands in an attempt to lighten the mood and almost knocks the empty lambanog bottles off the table. Baek, being a good sport, cheers along with him. He jabs Sehun’s sides playfully and adds, “Buti pa si Marco, perfect na ‘yung buhay, ‘no?? Sana tayo rin!”

 

Sehun laughs along and sticks out a cupped hand in front of Marco, “Kyah, kyah—pempaswerte, pempaswerte—”

 

Marco snorts and swats away his hand. He brings up one of Baek’s past embarrassing incidents to get back at him, and it’s effective since Baek’s almost piss drunk. The punch that lands on his shoulder stings like crazy after, but it’s all worth it. Time with his friends is worth it.

 

\---

 

The rest of the week passes by like a blur. Really, Marco thinks it’s strange.

 

Somehow, unconsciously, he’s realized he’s been expecting his marriage to make his bland, motivationless life better. But it hasn’t. If anything, he’s surprised he’s started feeling emptier.

 

And he hasn’t been able to get his mind off Wednesday. At Alamat with his friends, Sehun saying. ‘ _Nasa Pinas na daw ulit si Soo_.’

 

Soo. That’s a name that still stings.

 

Marco would never admit in person, but the thought of Soo still keeps him awake at night.

 

He still thinks of him. And everything Baek mentioned—the what-ifs—the ‘what if hindi kayo naghiwalay,’ ‘what if kayo pa rin hanggang ngayon?’ are also things he thinks about from time to time.

 

In fact, he’s probably thought about those what-ifs more since his dad passed, since his sister got married and had kids. He’s thought of Soo when he was fitting his white tux, taste-testing for the ceremony, even on his wedding day, watching his bride descend down the aisle in her fifty grand dress…

 

What if… si Kyungsoo…

  
  
  


“Marco?”

 

A deep voice surfaces from the ambient noise of the supermarket.

 

Marco jolts in position, almost dropping the can of tomato sauce in his hand. He was lost in thought, spaced out. Something he’s been guilty of a lot these days.

 

Without much thought, he looks over. He’s ready to say hi. It’s not uncommon for acquaintances to spot him.

 

 _Acquaintances_ —

  
  


Like the opening of an old, forgotten book, the dust is blown off the cover. Familiar guitar chords spill from the supermarket speakers, and Marco’s walls erode just when the dust reaches his feet. He lowers his shopping basket to the side. Inside: cereal,  toothpaste, insecticide, and toilet paper—all from the grocery list his wife sent him.

 

But it’s the least of his concerns. The person who called him just now was Soo. _Kyungsoo_. Clad in a black hoodie and sweatpants, wearing thick-rimmed glasses. His face hasn’t changed. Almost like a lie, he remains the same.

 

He looks just as speechless. Marco watches him stare, eyes scanning him head to toe.

 

“Oh my god, Marco, it’s been so long! It’s so good to see you!”

 

He’s swept into a warm hug. It’s so genuine that he feels suffocated. Soo pulls away mere seconds later, only to beso and grin welcomingly.

 

“I heard you got married!”

 

It’s sudden. So, so sudden that Marco can’t help but smile and nod along.

 

Soo looks excited. He looks happy rambling on, asking about Marco’s life, and exclaiming how they should catch up soon. And Marco can only stare. Almost like he’s hypnotized, because how wrong is it? How absolutely hopeless is it that he can’t feel anything, can’t _think_ of anything except of how badly he’s missed Soo. And how he’d give everything… just to be with him.

 

“...Oh shit, what time is it?”

 

Marco feels his mouth gape open. Dumbly, he raises his left wrist to look at his Rolex. His dad’s Rolex, given to him the birthday before he lost him. “Malapit na mag-four.”

 

“Aww shet, gotta run.” Soo fishes out his wallet from his sweatpants. His own basket almost falls off his arm, but Marco catches it. Their eyes meet briefly. Soo thanks him before thumbing through his bills. Marco holds his breath, feeling stupid for the clench in his chest.

 

“Anyways, it was so great seeing you, Marco! May radio guesting pa kasi ako sa Wish mamaya, haha. Back from tour kasi, so they’re going to interview me. I’m due around 6, so maybe if you’re free later, you can listen?”

 

Soo looks hopeful when Marco hands back his basket.

 

_Don’t look at me like that. Hanggang ngayon ba naman..._

 

“Sure, oo. I’ll listen to your guesting.”

 

“Great!” Soo beams and again Marco feels dread.

 

He is still so beautiful that it’s almost unfair. Everything is so overwhelming and vividly colored. There isn’t much Marco can do but watch him. He feels his heart beat to the same rhythm Soo’s steps take when he waves goodbye and walks away.

 

He doesn’t know how much time has passed after. It was as if he was glued to his spot by the weight of his past. Encountering Soo, at all places—at the _supermarket_ , definitely caught him off guard. He was expecting it to happen, admittedly. In such a tiny place like Metro Manila, it was bound to happen.

 

Fifteen minutes to six, Marco lies in bed alone. His wife is still away, so he has the whole house to himself. Outside, it looks like it’s going to rain again. The windows are a bit foggy when he tunes the radio in to 107.5

 

The show starts a bit late, but it’s your typical set-up.

 

The DJ announces the program name and welcomes tonight’s special guest, Soo’s band is back from their month-long American tour. Introductions are held, and questions from listeners are answered after. Marco has his laptop propped up, trying to get some work done when his ears focus in on an interesting query.

 

It’s about the band’s latest song— _What If_.

 

Amputa yung title. Ano klaseng coincidence ‘yan?

 

“So, who wrote the song, guys? Was it Chanyeol or Lay?” the DJ asks, too chipper at this ungodly hour of the evening. The band members begin arguing, but eventually Soo hushes them to answer.

 

“Well kasi, Chanyeol composed most of it. And Lay… tweaked it up a bit. Inayos niya yung arrangement here and there, until na-finalize namin.” He pauses a bit, perhaps contemplating. “I wrote the lyrics.”

 

“Oh, wow! And that’s another thing pala, the fans have been asking here, o. The Live comments and replies on Twitter that we’ve been getting, most of them have been asking kung sino ang inspiration sa kantang ‘What If’!”

 

Soo’s bandmates begin hollering. Before he could answer, the one with the deeper voice goes, “Tungkol sa first love ni Soo ‘yan. Sinulat niya around the time na nabalitaan niyang engaged na pala.”

 

“Oh my god, WOW.”

 

The studio erupts in a ruckus. Alone in his bedroom, Marco ceases typing. He takes his eyes off his Powerpoint to focus on the radio, its green FM light staring back at him.

 

“Kaya ‘What If’ yung title! It’s because Soo was thinking.. What if you could just _repeat it all_ . What if you _stayed_ , What if you could _turn back time_! Kaya ‘yun yung chorus.”

 

“Oops, wait—!! Adonis0412 from Mandaluyong is asking if it’s the same first love daw Soo was inspired by sa debut single niyo noon?”

 

“Yes!!” Another bandmate answers. “It’s the same person. Sagot yung ‘What If’ sa debut song namin, actually. Kaya in a way, it’s Soo’s closure. It’s his way of saying goodbye.”

 

The host teases Soo a bit. The rest of the people in the show join in, but Soo is a good sport about it. He’s asked to weigh in his opinion, and that’s when Marco finds himself in front of the radio, bracing for words he’s never heard.

 

“I’m really happy for him. And I’m glad things worked out. I meant it talaga. I mean it this time.”

 

Static crackles. Soo clears his throat.

 

“Maybe things could have turned out better… Maybe in our next lives.”

  


 

Clapping fills the still air of Marco’s bedroom, leaving him speechless.

 

The host thanks the band for guesting, and likewise they thank her. The show ends with a song requested by Soo. In his words, ‘Ang tuldok sa atin: Ang kanta kung nasaan nagsimula ang lahat.’

 

The band signs off. A few seconds later… Marco hears the same chords from earlier.

 

Like Soo, this song always brings him back. He’s heard this countless times… pero ngayon lang naging ganito kasakit.

 

Kung pipikit siya, bakit makita niya silang dalawa sa Paskuhan, at 2005 ulit. College sila at sobrang saya. Humahakbang sila palayo ng tubig baha sa España. Nakapatong ulo ni Soo sa balikat niya sa punong jeepney.

 

Kung hinigpitan niya pa ang pagpikit, baka maramdaman niya ang hawak ng kamay ni Soo sa sirang Nokia niya na hindi maayos-ayos. Kung pilitin niyang alalanin—baka maramdaman niya bahid ng makapal na labi, halik na mabilis, nakaw na sandali sa kwarto niyang madilim.

 

Pabalik sa panahon na kinalimutan niya ang sarili niya, kasama ang buong mundo. Pabalik sa panahon kung kailan si Kyungsoo lang ang nakikita niya at wala ng iba…

  


_Kahit pa ikaw lang at... Kahit pa ikaw lang at…_

  


Bumukas ang gate ng bahay at dumilat si Marco. Naglaho ang malabong panaginip at naalala niyang gising pa nga pala siya…

 

Nakauwi na ang asawa niya.

 

Saktong-sakto, bago siya makarating sa kwarto, natapos ang kanta.

 

Naghanda ng ngiti si Marco para sa yakap at halik galing sa kanya. Pareho lang sa ginawa sa kanya ni Soo kanina. Pero sa totoo, ibang-iba.

 

Parang tukso, parang sampal sa mukha. Pagtingin ni Marco sa radyo, nakatitig pa rin ang mapaghusgang ilaw, dala ng alaala, tila bang nagsasabi—

  


Marco, _naaalala mo pa rin pala lahat_.

  


\----

 

“Tito Marky!! There’s Iron Man!”

 

“Wow!!”

 

“Tito Marky, Tito Marky—I found a marshmallow squishy!!”

 

“Wow, Rahee!!”

 

It’s Saturday, Marco’s day out with his two pamangkins. His Least Favorite, Favorite Day.

 

Reon the younger one, is quite strong. Despite being just a preschooler, he drags Marco without much effort to the Marvel section. Kid starts gushing over a figurine the size of his entire arm, and Marco watches him in amusement. He keeps one eye on Rahee, who is heading back to place the squishy she found back into a pile two aisles to his right.

 

Above Reon’s head, there is something that stands out.

 

A misplaced stuffed penguin. What is that doing here?

 

While Reon continues looking at toys, Marco reaches over to pluck the penguin out of its spot beside Thor and Captain America. It’s soft and cute-looking with full, pink-tinged cheeks and big eyes. In its hands is a yellow gift box with a red ribbon that looks like it’s pressable. At the front of the box is text that reads— _Your wish is my command!_

 

Hanep, may ganito dito. Ibang level naman ng parent na tinamad ibalik ‘to sa stuffed toys section.

 

Marco reads the tag attached to the penguin’s wrist. Generic stuff lang naman like ‘Hello, I am Dyo, your new best friend! I can make your wishes come true!’ There’s also info about his batteries, manufacturer and a warning to keep him out of reach of children below 2 years old.

 

Suddenly, there’s a small hand tugging at Marco’s shirt. Rahee is looking up at him in wonder.

 

“Tito, what’s that?” Her eyes are sparkling when she pushes herself up on tiptoes. They seem to brighten even more when she realizes, “Hey, it’s Dyo!!”

 

Marco hands her the penguin when she’s close to shrieking. Poor kid looks excited to death. Baka limited edition pala ‘yang toy na ‘yan.

 

He watches her push the ribbon button repeatedly. Rahee’s small face is scrunched up in concentration, chanting. Marco thinks she’s making a wish like the penguin claims it could grant. She keeps pressing the ribbon. Slowly, she’s starting to get irritated. Cute talaga. Manang-mana kay tito.

 

“Titooooo!!!” There’s tugging at his shirt again. This time, it’s Reon with his choice figurine. Oh god, he picked a huge ass toy. It’s almost as big as his body. “Tito, it’s Iron Man!”

 

“Tito, it says this penguin grants wishes if a song plays when you press the button. Why isn’t anything playing when I press?? Is it broken??”

 

“Tito Marky, Iron Maaaaan!!”

 

“Titooooo!!”

 

Oh my god…

 

Marco loves his pamangkins but sometimes he’s glad he doesn’t have children of his own.

 

Not that he plans on having any soon, though. But that he can never say. Lest his sister hears and begins another sermon of, ‘If Dad were alive, he’d be happy if you had kids… blah blah blah’

 

Begrudgingly, he picks up the massive Iron Man Reon’s holding. The price… fantastic. Pero kailangan panindigan ang pagiging Best Tito 2018. Next, he picks up the penguin Rahee hands him. He places a finger on the ribbon button, and his niece hurriedly squeals, “Tito Marky, make a wish!!”

 

Marco sighs. He doesn’t really want to, but Rahee’s looking at him in _that_ way again. And how can he say no? She’s his entire world.

 

Wish… ano ba pwede? His life is… okay. It’s perfect if you ask him. He’s living the life him and his family has always wanted. The life his _Dad_ wanted for him. A stable, steady-paying job, a new house with a nice car, and a pretty wife who loves him. Sabi nga ni Baek, “What other people would _give_ to have a life like yours, Marco!”

 

Pero… bakit ganun? Why does he feel so much… regret?

 

“Titoooo, taking so long! I want to know if it’s gonna make a sound!”

 

There is no wish. Everything’s okay. This is just a children’s toy. Wishes don’t come true, anyway.

 

Marco presses the button and opens his eyes.

 

Rahee gasps when an orgel melody sounds from the gift box. She jumps along with Reon, delighted by the smallest thing. Marco scoffs, putting the toy back between the superheroes. He’s lazy, too. Exactly like the parents he judged when he first saw it.

 

He gives the penguin one last look before walking to the cashier with his hyperactive pamangkins. The melody dies down before he gets too far away.

 

\---

 

That night, Marco arrives home at past twelve.

 

He’s exhausted. He spent the entire day hanging out with _kids_. Both younger than 10. Really, babysitting is so tiring. If you asked him, he’d definitely pick attending a meeting with boring senior higher-ups at the office than teach a class of first graders. Kids really aren’t his thing. (Kids besides his pamangkins, at least). Tapos after he drove them home, his sister invited him to drink pa. So patong-patong lang talaga today. Nakakapagod.

 

The lights are out, so Marco takes extra care to be quiet when he maneuvers inside.

 

Climbing up the stairs, he begins to feel his eyes fluttering close. What is it about his life these days that always has him tired each day. It wasn’t this bad when he was younger. Staying up late on the phone, cramming his thesis—if he remembers correctly, he powered through those things without breaking a sweat. But now, just the thought of staying up ‘till 4 a.m. typing… ‘di niya na kaya yan.

 

Marco barely powers through his nightly shower. After washing his face, he foregoes shaving. Fuck it, he’ll deal with that tomorrow.

 

Crashing into the covers, he wonders when he started living this way.

 

The thoughts keep entering, but they never leave. They only stop when he finally drifts to sleep.

 

\---

 

Marco wakes up with a loud groan.

 

He swats at a fly that buzzes too close to his ear. Still between sleep and being awake, he curses. “ _Tangina, bakit ang init??_ ”

 

He shrugs away his comforter, only to notice that it’s lighter than he remembers. And the AC’s out. Puta, kakabili lang niya ng bahay na ‘to, sira na kagad aircon??

 

Annoyed, he opens his eyes with a huff. The sun nearly blinds him. It’s too fucking bright. Did he forget to pull the blinds down din?!

 

Suddenly, an alarm sounds off. Marco recognizes it immediately. It’s a [Nokia ringtone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbJYODtHzLk). Who even owns a Nokia these days? And why is he hearing that ringtone in _his house_??

 

He shields his eyes with a sweaty arm while the other reaches for the bedside drawer but there’s nothing. Instead, his hand collides with a pile of books. The sound of them falling over has Marco squinting, looking at the direction after.

 

Wait.

 

He’s in his old room. His childhood bedroom.

 

It’s unmistakable. There are posters on the wall—Fall Out Boy, and the Black Eyed Pea. Meron pang short-bond sized ones that he definitely knows are freebies from _Song Hits_ . Beside them are his framed achievements. Best in Math, Best in English… his medals. All of these awards that he _knows_ are stored somewhere inside his garage.

 

The pile of books he toppled over, are two unused Blue Books, and a copy of the Revised Penal Code. Oh god, that’s crazy. He hasn’t held a copy since—

 

The ringtone blasts shrill, and Marco covers his ears. He locates where it’s coming from—just beside the spot where the books where. When he stretches, his hand lands on a Nokia 3310. Exactly the same model he used when he was still in college.

 

Marco almost double takes, feeling out of his mind when he sees the name on the screen.

  


**Sehun Oh**

Calling

  


He answers the call, flustered. It’s so familiar, like coming home, but at the same time _so bizarre_ when Marco feels a button squish under his touch instead of a flat screen merely responding.

 

“Hoy, gago!!” Sehun’s voice is high-pitched. Pumiyok pa ata ng onti. It’s so, so weird. He almost doesn’t sound like himself. “Alas-kwatro na!! May balak ka pa ba humabol sa Paskuhan?? Tutugtog na si Soo!! Baka madisappoint ‘yun pag wala ka!! Gising na, gago!!”

 

The call is promptly hung up. The dial tone echoes in Marco’s right ear.

 

The display on his phone returns to the default screen.

 

There is a timer that’s ticking 29:23:55:30, 29, 28...

 

A timer for thirty days? How odd, he thinks.

 

But the thing that puzzles him the most is the date displaying today.

 

Kasi imbis na 2018—The year is _2005_.

  
  



	2. This Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make this a threeshot! The next part will be the last ;((  
> ALSO  
> I forgot to mention pero taga-UP si Marco. UST sina Sehun, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo.  
> They are all from the same high school.  
> There may be historical inaccuracy pala. Also I’m not from UST or UP so there’s bound to be some errors about the place din (I think) flkmdfl
> 
> **Bold dates** indicate redone timeline, _italicized_ indicate original.

**December 20, 2005**

_29:23:15:01_

 

Panaginip ba ‘to?

 

Inside a Buendia-bound jeep, nakatingin ngayon si Marco sa isa sa mga billboard above Welcome Rotonda. Naka-posing ang dalawang Richard Gutierrez―isang long-hair na nakaputing may ponytail, isang short-hair na nakaitim with a very distressed looking Angel Locsin. Sa ilalim, may giant ‘[SUGO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp_HuBcCqhg) \- WEEKNIGHTS ON GMA TELEBABAD.’ 

 

Napahawak si Marco sa ulo niya. Wala siyang masabi, nakatitig lang siya. Puta, _ambata_.

 

Speaking of ambata―kanina, nung nag-ayos siya sa banyo napasigaw siya sa gulat.

 

Yung mukha niya, katawan niya―pucha kahit yung _buhok_ niya. 2005 na 2005. Eighteen na eighteen ang itsura niya. Payat, medyo tinitigyawat. At yung hair niya, jusko. Ang bangs gayang-gaya kay Pete Wentz. Daig pa ata si Pete Wentz.

 

“Shit, this is crazy…” Napabulong siya sa sarili niya sabay kapa ng bulsa, expecting a huge rectangle pero wala. Oo nga pala. Wala siyang iPhone.

 

Tumugtog ang familliar [Coca Cola jingle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ourx95ng5uk) sa radyo ng jeep nung may pumara. Tulad nung Sugo billboard, kinilabutan si Marco sa narinig niya. Grabe yung nostalgia. Kinakanta-kanta ‘yan ng mga blockmate niya dati nung tumatambay sila sa Sunken.

 

Umandar ulit ang jeep at kinabahan si Marco. 4:45 na. Malapit na tumugtog banda ni Soo.

 

Whatever this is. Panaginip man o hindi. Kailangan niyang makaabot.

 

Linabas niya ang Nokia niya para basahin laman ng Inbox niya. May texts from Sehun, texts from barkada, AutoLoad, and kung anu-anong GM na pinagsesend ng kapatid niya. Nakakapanibago, ang liit ng screen, ‘di pa umiilaw.

 

Medyo hindi confident si Marco sa daan. Sa buong buhay niya, limang beses pa lang siya nakakapunta sa UST. At lahat ng time na ‘yun, noong college pa. Malabo na ang memories, kahit parehong-pareho ang ruta. Gustuhin man niyang i-check ang Google Maps, wala. Waze din, wala.

 

Pero mabilis ang traffic. Ayan ang kapansin-pansin. Maluwag ang daan, at hindi tumagal bago na-spot na ni Marco ang palatandaan niya na malapit na siya―Vicente Cruz na.

 

Paglagpas ng konti, may kumatok sa bubong sabay “Para po!!”

 

Halos kalahati ng jeep ang bumaba. Sinundan ni Marco kung san patungo yung mga tao. Nagsisimula ng dumilim ang paligid. Kita mo sa mga mukha ng mga dumadaan na excited na silang lahat.

 

Paskuhan ngayon. That much, Marco knows. Pero hindi lang basta-bastang Paskuhan, kasi _2005_ ngayon.

 

Bago pa siya makapag-isip ng kung anu-ano, nag-beep ang phone niya. Text na naman galing kay Sehun: ‘gago dalian mo!! side stage na banda ni ksoo!!!’

 

Hindi na nagreply si Marco. Tumakbo na siya.

 

\- - -

 

Nasa Football Field ang main event at malaki-laki na ang crowd.

 

Sa pagkatanda ni Marco, medyo malupit yung line-up na nakuha ng UST noon. If he remembers correctly, Rivermaya, Parokya ni Edgar, Kamikazee...

 

At of course, Hale.

 

Pawis na si Marco pagdating niya sa right side ng Benavidez. Grabe, abot dami ng tao hanggang dito. Sabi ni Sehun dito daw sila magkita, pero hindi niya talaga mahanap. Sinubukang lumapit ni Marco, pero hindi talaga. Sobrang dami ng tao.

 

Ibang banda pa ang tumutugtog pero tama nga si Sehun, mukhang nakapila na sa gilid ng stage ang isang silhouette na kilalang-kilala ni Marco kahit saan…

 

“Hoy, Marco!!” Biglang may kamay na tumama sa balikat niya. Pagtingin ni Marco―aba amputa, si Sehun, throwback ng thirteen years: skinny, dugyutin and eighteen again. Just like him.

 

“Ano ba?! Sabi ko sa Plaza!! Ba’t nandito ka na?!”

 

Sumimangot si Sehun at hinatak siya patungong stage. “Ang bagal mo kasi, magdasal ka may space pa dun sa nakita naming spot kanina!! Tangina ‘yan, 11 pa kami nandito ni Kuya Baek. Magpasalamat ka nga, ingrata!!”

 

Halos kaladkarin siya ni Sehun papuntang stage. Pinagkasya niya sarili niya sa dami ng tao. Sa sobrang sikip, may ilang beses na akala niya pwede siyang mabitawan. To think na brinave ni Sehun lumabas sa crowd na ‘to para lang sunduin siya.

 

Hindi na maalala ni Marco lahat ng nangyari noong Paskuhan 2005, pero siguro nga nalate siya. Siguro din nagkita sila ni Sehun sa spot na ‘yun at minura din siya ng todo bago hatakin papasok ng masa ng tao. Pero malabo na ang alaala niya.

 

Pero etong moment na ‘to, naaalala niya.

 

Ganitong-ganito din ‘yun noon.

 

Nasa crowd siya, nakatingala. Pagtapos ng naunang student band, lumabas sila Soo. _His Soo_. At sobrang naproud siya.

 

Mula backstage, naglakad ang banda papuntang centerstage. Pag stop ni Soo sa harap ng mic, tila parang nawala lahat ng hininga sa dibdib ni Marco.

 

Ang surreal.

 

Eto ang itsura ni Soo nung una siyang napamahal sa kanya.

 

Buhok na styled, medyo brown. Cute ang mukha at bilog ang mata. Naka-white shirt, matching with his bandmates, at simpleng maong lang. Suot-suot niya gitara niya at kabado pa bago i-plug sa sound system.

 

Kyungsoo. _Kyungsoo_ ni Marco.

 

“Hi, guys! We’re E.X.O. from Nursing, fifth band for tonight. How’s everyone feeling??”

 

Malakas ang cheer. Mas lalo na galing kay Sehun. Gumagalaw pa rin silang dalawa, forward ng forward sila ng posisyon hangga’t second na sila from the barrier. Pagtigil nila, inirapan lang si Marco ni Baek for being late. Grabe talaga, lahat sila ambabata ng itsura. Ganito pala katotoy si Baek noon?!

 

Sa stage, nag-tweak pa ng onti si Soo ng gitara. Linayo niya ang ulo niya para magtest ng vocals. Alam ni Marco. He’s nervous.

 

“ _Soo, kaya mo ‘yan!!_ ”

 

Hindi na napigilang sumigaw ni Marco. Tinamaan siya ni Baek sa dibdib at nagtinginan ang mga tao. Pero, wala siyang pake. Nakatulala lang siya sa stage.

 

And just like thirteen years ago, Soo smiles. Soo smiles and for a second, it feels as if they’re the only two people. The rest of the world, faded into the background…

 

Nagbalik ang lakas sa mukha niya, parang napuno ng tuwa. Hindi mapaliwanag ni Marco, pero bigla niyang ginustong umiyak. Nakatutok lang sa kanya ang mata ni Soo pagtapat ng labi niya sa mic, “Once again, we’re E.X.O. and this our cover of... ‘[This Time](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKotMTtAKKA)’”

 

Iilang tao lang ang nag-cheer, kasama na sina Sehun at Baek. Wala pa sigurong mga one hundred. Sobrang nakakatawa. Tumaas balahibo sa braso ni Marco, knowing na within a few years, mapupuno rin ni Soo ang Araneta. At lahat ng tao na ‘yun… sisigawan ang sarili niyang kanta.

 

Lumiit ang ngiti ni Marco.

 

Ang debut song nga pala ng banda ni Soo… tungkol sa breakup nilang dalawa.

 

_‘Oh I’m sorry, girl… For causing you much pain...’_

 

Oo nga pala. Ito yung song na cinover ni Soo.

 

In many ways, fitting sa situation ni Marco ngayon. Hindi niya alam kung pano siya nabigyan ng chance na ‘to, or kung totoo ba talaga lahat ng nangyayari at hindi panaginip. Pero panaginip man o hindi―hindi nagbabago ang nararamdaman niya.

 

Punong-puno siya ng pagsisisi.

 

Looking up at Soo and watching him sing, do the thing he loves the most, narealize ni Marco kung gano niya totoong kamahal ang taong ‘to...

 

At isa pa, mali pala siya.

 

Hindi lang pagsisisi laman ng puso niya, pagmamahal din pala―na ni kailaman’y hindi niya nakalimutan.

 

Kaya hindi man niya maintindihan, hindi niya papalipasin ‘to.

 

‘This Time’ itatama niya ang lahat.

 

Pagtapos ng kanta, ang cheer ni Marco ang pinakamalakas sa lahat. Tuloy-tuloy lang ang pag-iingay niya, kahit hiyang-hiya na mga kaibigan niya. Tumugtog ng dalawa pang kanta ang banda bago mag-end ang set nila. Paos na si Marco by the time na kunin ni Soo ang mic para magpaalam.

 

“Thank you!! We had so much fun today, hope you guys liked it!”

 

\- - -

 

Nagpaalam na si Marco bago umalis sa crowd. Hindi naman talaga siya mahilig sa concerts. Mas lalo na kung maraming tao. Feeling niya nayuyupi siya, nakaka-claustrophobic.

 

Tumungo siya sa Main. If his memory serves him correct, any moment now may makukuha siyang text…

 

Tumunog ng malakas ang ringtone niya. At ayan na nga. Natawa na lang siya sa sarili nung slinide niya daliri niya sa screen ng Nokia niya out of habit. Oops. Note to self: Hindi ‘to iPhone!!

  


**Soo**

ingay mo kanina XDD thnx 4 coming :* kita tyo sa harap ng main?

   


Binalik ni Marco Nokia niya sa bulsa pagtapos magreply na nandun na siya. Tumingin siya sa paligid. 2005 na 2005 talaga. Fashion ng mga tao, fact na nag-uusap sila at walang nagphophone, walang nagseselfie. Nakakapanibago.

 

Naghiyawan ang mga tao pagtapos i-announce ang next performer. Sabay niyan, nakita kaagad ni Marco tumatakbo palapit si Soo. At pucha, kulang na lang matunaw puso niya sa sobrang pagmamahal…

 

“Marco!!” Nagtaas si Soo ng kamay at ngumiti ng kada laki-laki. Napalabas na lang siya ng buntong hininga. Iba talaga.

 

“San sila Sehun? Ikaw lang?”

 

Tumango si Marco. Tulad ng dati, parehong-pareho ang mga linya ni Soo. Kanina, pareho rin ang sinabi sa kanya ni Sehun bago siya kumalas: ‘Good luck, pare. Aminin mo na, ah?’

 

Biglang kinabahan si Marco. Never niyang inakalang dadating ang araw na aamin siya ulit kay Soo. Akala niya kasi, wala ng pag-asa, never na mauulit lahat. Kaya bigla ngayon, doble kaba niya.

 

Nag-cheer ulit ang crowd sabay ng pag-light up ng mukha ni Soo. Hale na ang performer. At alam na alam na ni Marco ang susunod na mangyayari.

 

“Marco!! Oh my god, nood tayo!!”

 

Tamang-tama. Hinatak siya ni Soo pabalik sa stage. Wala ng chance na makakabalik pa sa second row with Sehun and Baek dahil biglang dumami yung tao kaya tumigil na lang sila sa ilalim ng puno. Halos hindi mo na makita yung Hale sa sobrang liit nila pero laking tuwa si Marco. Walang nakataas na cellphone. Niisa, wala.

 

“Shet, sana i-perform nila yung ‘Kahit Pa’!!”

 

Namumula ang pisngi ni Soo. May onting pawis sa ilong niya na agad niyang pinunas nung tumingin si Marco.

 

Gusto man niyang sumagot ng ‘Oo, ipeperform nila ‘yan’, hindi magawa ni Marco.

 

Pagsimula ng unang kanta, pinanood niyang sumabay si Soo. Kahit sa kanya, na hindi aficionado pagdating sa musika, kitang-kita na sobrang passionate ni Soo pagdating sa pagkanta. Mula pagpikit ng mata, paggalaw ng labi, at pag-ugoy ng balikat niya.

 

Gusto niyang ibigay ang lahat kay Soo. Gusto niyang mahalin ng buong-buo.

 

Kaya pagtapos ng kanta, sa iilang segundo sa pagitan ng pasasalamat hangga’t bago itugtog ang susunod na awitin, tinawag ni Marco si Soo.

 

Ang mga mata niya, nagtataka, nagtatanong. “Bakit, Marco?”

 

Ito na.

 

“Soo, _mahal kita_.”

 

This time he will make things right.

 

Nanlaki ang mata ni Soo. Tumugtog ang koda ng ‘Kahit Pa’ at naghiyawan ang mga tao. Noon, bumigay siya kaagad, pero ngayon hindi tinanggal ni Marco mata niya kay Soo.

 

“Matagal na kitang gusto. Noon pa. Ang tagal-tagal na… na parang nagsisinungaling na lang ako sa sarili ko kung ide-deny ko pa.”

 

Nagpunas si Marco ng pasmadong kamay sa maong niya. Nagtaka siya ng onti. Paboritong kanta ‘to ni Kyungsoo! Pero bakit hindi siya kumikibo?

 

“Kaya ayun, Soo. Gusto kita. All these years—gusto kong sabihin sayo. Ang tanga-tanga ko talaga.”

 

“Marco, pano ka naging tanga?”

 

Tumawa si Soo at kinuha ang kamay ni Marco na pasmado. Gusto niyang bawiin kasi—tangina, complex niya ‘yan. Pag kinakabahan siya, pinapawisan siya. Mas lalo na ngayon. Nakakadiri. Baka ma-turn off si Soo.

 

Pero hindi. Walang pakelam si Soo. Hinigpitan niya lang ang hawak sa kamay ni Marco. Sabay sa climax ng kanta, ngumiti siya ng buong puso: “Marco, gusto din kita.”

 

And for the first time in a long while, Marco feels like he’s done something good.

  


Buong gabi, nakatingin lang siya kay Soo.

 

Hanggang matapos ang set ng Hale, hanggang matapos lahat ng performer, kay Soo siya halos nakatingin. Kahit pagdating sa main event, ang pinaka-inaabangan ng lahat—fireworks show na sabi ni Soo, ‘Sobrang ganda!’ nakatingin pa rin si Marco sa kanya.

 

Kahit hindi niya makita sa langit, kita niya sa mukha at mata ni Soo _lahat ng kulay_.

 

Pagtapos ng lahat, tumambay muna sila sa ilalim ng [Christmas tree](https://nonsense021.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/2005.jpg?w=604&h=417). Giant tree siya na pinaligiran ng mga parol at kung anu-anong illumination. It’s not the best Paskuhan tree, but it is perfect.

 

Nag-sorry si Soo. Traffic na daw kasi at matatagalan pagsundo sa kanya ng parents niya. “Sorry Marco, dinamay pa kita!” Ang cute-cute pa ng pout niya, talagang kita mong nagdaramdam siyang ‘di makauwi kagad si Marco.

 

Pero issue ba ‘to? Kung tutuusin, masaya pa nga si Marco na mas may oras sila na magkasama.

 

“Kahit ilang taon pa ko maghintay,” sagot niya. Pinagsama niya ang kamay nila hangga’t markado na daliri ni Soo sa pagitan ng kanya. “Okay lang.”

 

Worth it ang sapak sa balikat na natanggap ni Marco pagtapos ng ambitious matinee idol lines niya. Looking at Soo beside him, Marco knows he is finally happy.

 

Ang saya-saya makapagtotoo.

  
  
  
  


_December 20, 2005_

\-- : -- : -- : --

 

“Soo, _gusto kita_.”

 

Nanlaki ang mata ni Soo. Sa iisang segundo, tumigil ang mundo niya. Ang hirap huminga kasi _totoo ba_?? Marco, totoo ba?

 

Hindi na siya nakapagsalita. Biglang tumugtog ang pinakahinihintay niyang kanta.

 

Nagbago ang mukha ni Marco. Ang laki ng ngiti niya nang dalian niyang ituro ang stage. Hinawakan niya magkabilang balikat ni Soo para italikod siya paharap, para manood ng kanta. Ang bilis ng pangyayari. Hindi na nakareact si Soo sa sinabi niya.

 

Nagsimulang magtalunan ang mga tao sabay ng awit, kasama na si Marco. Nagpadala na lang si Soo sa flow at nakienjoy din.

 

In the end, natapos nila ni Marco ang set ng Hale at nag-stay hangga’t matapos lahat ng performer. Nag-stay din sila para sa main event, ang fireworks. Ang ganda ng mga kulay sa gabi, at ang ganda din nila sa mukha ni Marco. Naghintay si Soo. Nag-abang siya ng kilos galing kay Marco, pero tuwing nagtatama mata nila—linalayo lang ni Marco tingin niya, kinikilig.

 

Pauwi, bago sila maghiwalay sa Main Gate, kumaway si Marco asking if tuloy sila sa December 24 at nag-yes si Soo. Kahit noon, inexpect niyang may sasabihin si Marco, pero siya pa ang naunang umalis sa kanilang dalawa.

 

Napakatorpe. Pero, okay lang. Bata pa lang sila, alam na ni Soo na mahiyain talaga si Marco.

 

Pero kung tinawag man ng puso niya si Marco pabalik. Kung sinigaw man niya ng buong-lakas loob ang ' _Mahal din kita!!_ ’ Hindi na malalaman ni Marco. Tumalikod na kasi siya.

  
  
  


 

**December 24, 2005**

_26:12:43:32_

 

Noche Buena ngayon sa bahay nila Marco.

 

Takam ang tatlong poodle ng pamilya sa higanteng queso de bolang nasa gilid ng lamesa. Engrande ang handa ngayon, kasi syempre—kailangan magpasalamat. Mas lalo na si Marco, gustong magpasalamat.

 

Mga dalawang araw ang lumipas bago siya masanay bahagya sa ‘lumang buhay’ niya.

 

Wala ng iPhone na kailangan i-check paggising, walang Macbook na kailangan buklatin para magtrabaho. Walang kotse, walang _pera_ . Pero nasa bahay siya palagi, nood TV palagi. At grabe pala mga palabas noon. Nakakasawa na siguro pakinggan ‘to pero lahat ng artista _ambabata_!! Paglagay niya ng channel sa MTV—my god lahat ng kanta ALAM NIYA!!

 

Ang strange din mag-Friendster ulit. Since mas kailangan ng ate niya ang nag-iisang Desktop sa bahay, pumupunta pa ng Internet Cafe si Marco para mag-computer.

 

Kinilig siya two days ago kasi ginawa siyang #1 na Featured Friend ni Soo. Dati kasi kuya niya, pero ngayon si Marco na. Naglagay din siya ng testimonial na puno ng dedication at pagmamahal. Dahil dyan, kalat na sa lahat ng kaibigan nila na M.U. na sila ngayon.

 

Panay din ang pagchachat nila sa [Y!M](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yahoo!_Messenger). Mas gusto kasi ni Soo magtype kesa magtext. At honestly, same. Mas magastos nga lang though.

 

Ngayon, nakatyempo si Marco ng timing para gumamit ng computer imbis na tumulong sa Christmas handaan. Of course kachat niya si Soo. Bibisita daw siya mamaya with padala galing nanay niya!

  


**Kyungcutie** : hi ^^ excited na ko!!!!

**PoloMarco** : ako din ^^

**Kyungcutie** : ginawa ni mama paborito mong fruit salad :)))

**Kyungcutie** : sana magustuhan mo :*

  


Napangiti si Marco sa sarili niya. Ang tagal na niyang hindi nakikita si Tita. Mula nang mag-”break” sila ni Soo noon… never na silang nagkita. Ang sakit sa feeling. Halos nanay na rin niya si Tita, mula ng bata pa sila ni Soo, lagi na siyang nakabantay sa kanila.

 

Nag-ping ang Messenger. Sabi ni Soo na aalis na daw siya, ‘See u in 30 mins ;)’

 

Shinut down ni Marco ang desktop computer at sumandal sa swivel chair. Wala pa siyang one week dito sa ‘past’ pero parang ayaw na niyang bumalik. Of course, napagtanto na niyang hindi lang panaginip ‘to. Una sa lahat, kung panaginip man ‘to—ang tagal naman. Sobrang dami na ng nangyari at sobrang vivid pa. Hindi pwedeng panaginip lang ‘to. Hindi siya maniniwala.

 

Kung ganun man, pano na kaya yung buhay na iniwan niya? Alam niya na dapat kahit papano mamiss niya ng onti lahat ng naiwan niya sa perfect life niya noon, pero bakit okay lang na i-relive buong buhay niya where he is right now? Parang okay lang… na itapon ang lahat. Kahit yung lintek na iPhone niyang hinahanap-hanap niya since Day One.

 

Pagkalipas ng kalahating oras, dumating na si Soo na may dalang fruit salad. Pagkita sa kanya ni Marco, halos manlambot binti niya sa suot ni Soo. Napakainit sa Pilipinas, pero nagpumulit siyang mag-Christmas sweater na may giant Rudolf sa gitna. Hay nako. Mahal na mahal talaga ni Marco ‘to…

 

Nagmano si Soo sa magulang ni Marco. Nagpasalamat nanay ni Marco sa fruit salad at tinabi ang container sa ref para malamig pa mamaya. Pagtapos mag-hello ni Soo sa dalawang kapatid ni Marco, dumiretso sila sa garage para laruin ang tatlong family poodle.

 

Medyo awkward ang atmosphere. Pano ba naman, ito ang first time na nagkita ulit sila pagtapos ng Paskuhan. Akala ni Marco, bilang thirty-two year old sa katawan ng eighteen year old, kaya na niya maging swabe, mag-take ng lead. Pero iba ‘to, eh. Si Kyungsoo ‘to. Suddenly, everything means a whole lot more.

 

Kaya ba naman, ito. Fifteen minutes na siguro nila linalaro sina Munggo, Janggo, at Jangga, pero ‘di sila nag-uusap. Sa sobrang pagkalulong sa pag-iisip ni Marco, hindi niya ata napansin na mukhang may gustong sabihin na pala si Soo.

 

“Marco, Soo, come inside! Dad wants to toast!”

 

Bwiset na ate ‘yan. Tunog na lang ng garage door na sumara ang narinig nilang dalawa bago siya bumalik ng sala. Tiningnan ni Marco si Soo worriedly, as if to apologize for the interruption.

 

“It’s okay, let’s go. It wasn’t important anyway.”

 

Naunang gumalaw si Soo. Maigi niyang tinabi si Monggo from his lap to the side bago siya bumangon. Pagtayo niya, tinalon-talon pa siya ni Janggo at Jangga. Tumawa siya, pero kita ni Marco na hindi abot yung tuwa sa mata niya.

 

Shit, oo nga pala. This night, like Paskuhan, is one that’s going to change both of their lives forever.

 

All those years back, this was night Soo told him of his decision to shift from Med to Music.

 

It was also the night they had their first huge fight. It was the start of many misunderstandings.

 

“Marco? Come on, let’s go.”

 

Nagising si Marco mula sa thoughts niya. Nasa pinto na si Soo, dala-dala si Jangga. Tumango siya at bumangon na.

 

Pagtayo ni Marco, gumaan ang loob niya.

 

This time, gagawin niya ang tama.

 

\---

 

“Merry Christmas!!”

 

Sabay-sabay nag-toast ang pamilya kasama si Soo. Maliwanag ang paligid dala ng okasyon at ngiti ng mga tao. Ang mukha’t pisngi ni Soo, mula kung saan nakatayo si Marco, parang kumikinang rin.

 

Nagsimula ang noche buena. Nagpasahan ang pamilya ng pagkain at inenjoy ang handang Special Ham, Mac and Cheese, Lechon, at Hotdog on sticks na may marshmallow. Cinompliment ng nanay ni Marco ang fruit salad na gawa ng nanay niya. Mas sumarap daw since last niyang natikman.

 

“Si Soo talaga, maraming talents. Mana siya sa mommy niya na magaling magluto, at ang ganda pa ng boses niya pag kumakanta!!” Sabi ng younger sister ni Marco, pagpasa niya ng Coke sa tatay nila.

 

“Ay oo nga,” dagdag ni Mama Kim. “Pinanood ka ni Marky nung Paskuhan, ‘no? Nagperform ka daw siya onstage!”

 

“Kuya Soo, kanta ka!!” Dala ng pagka-excited ng bunso, naki-join na rin ang nanay at ate ni Marco. Hesitant si Soo at first pero nag-give in na siya nung tatay na ni Marco yung nag-request.

 

Napa-impromptu acapella performance si Soo ng ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.’

 

Tumayo pa siya sa tabi ng tree, para max holidays effect. Pagpikit at simula ni Soo, parang natunaw si Marco. Puno ng emosyon ang pagkanta niya. Alam mong galing sa puso. Puno rin ng pride ang dibdib ni Marco. Pero sabay dyan, pagbukas ni Soo ng mata niya, napansin ni Marco na sumisilip ang kalungkutan na hindi niya nabahagi kanina…

 

Malakas ang palakpakan na natanggap ni Soo pagkatapos. Tuwang-tuwa ang pamilya ni Marco, at mukhang flattered din naman si Soo. Bago sila bumalik sa mesa, linapitan siya ng tatay ni Marco, one hand on his shoulder.

 

“Soo, magaling ka kumanta. Nako, baka’y kakailanganin mo ‘yan. Puwedeng outlet mo ‘yan pag stressed ka sa trabaho mo. Mas lalo na ‘pag naging doktor ka na!”

 

Nagka-lapse sa ngiti ni Soo, pero nagpasalamat pa rin siya. Tumungo siya pabalik sa upuan para ubusin ang pagkain niya. Pagtapos, pinuntahan niya si Marco na nasa labas, nagpapailaw ng lusis. Nung nakita siyang palapit, agad tinanong ni Marco kung okay lang siya.

 

“Ha? Oo naman, okay ako,” sagot niya, pero yung mata, hindi nakatingin.

 

“Sigurado ka ba?” Binaba ni Marco lusis niya. “May gusto ka bang sabihin?”

 

Hindi sumagot kaagad si Soo. Bigla siyang napaisip. Binuksan niya ng ilang beses ang bibig niya. For a moment, mukhang gusto na niyang kalimutan na lang, pero in the end, tinuloy niya na.

 

“Marco… promise, hindi ka magagalit sa ‘kin?”

 

Seryoso siya. Namamasa-masa na ang mga mata niya at mukhang luluha na siya dahil sa liwanag na lusis na hawak ni Marco. Parang alam niya ‘to. Alam na niya kung ano sasabihin ni Soo, at hindi niya mapigilan ang guilt na kusang bumabalik, gumagapang palapit.

 

“Bakit naman ako magagalit?”

 

Gumaan ang itsura ni Soo, pero may takot pa rin na hindi mawala-wala. Hinanda ni Marco ang sarili niya para sa replay ng isa sa mga pinakamabigat na eksena sa buhay niya.

 

“Marco, gusto ko mag-shift to music.”

 

Ah, ito.

 

Kitang-kita ni Marco kung paano pinigil ni Soo ang paghihikbi niya. Kahit nung mga bata pa sila, hindi talaga magaling magsinungaling ‘tong si Soo. Sobrang halata kapag may tinatago. Tulad ngayon. Alam ni Marco na hirap na hirap siya.

 

“I really want to sing. Pinag-isipan ko na ng matagal ‘to, and hindi ko talaga makita sarili ko doing anything else.”

 

Malamig ang ihip ng hangin. Naubos na ang sindi ng lusis ni Marco at daliang dumilim ang paligid. Ang nanatiling ilaw—ang malabong dilaw dala ng streetlamp sa ibabaw ng mga ulo nila.

 

“Pag tumutugtog ako... Ramdam kong kaya kong maging _sarili ko_. Kaya ko maging more than kung sino ako—kaya kong ma-reach full potential ko. Pag tumutugtog ako, parang ang dami kong pwedeng masabi, pwedeng maparating sa lahat ng tao. And kapag nagagawa ko ‘yun, pag tumutugtog kami, tapos nakikita ko mukha ng mga tao—ang _ginhawa_. Sobrang sarap sa feeling, Marco. Alam ko talaga na para sa ‘kin ‘to.”

 

Paglabas ni Soo ng mahabang hininga, sumabay na rin ang iilang butil ng luha. Tuluyang gumuho ang mataas na bakod na nakapaligid sa puso niya at umiyak siya. Iyak na puno ng takot, pero totoong-totoo.

 

Tinakpan niya ng kamay ang mukha niya. Kita ni Marco ang mga sugat, kalyo at pasa galing sa walang-tigil na page-ensayo. Oo nga pala. Noon, nagsisinungaling pa si Soo sa strict na magulang niya na mahirap lang daw talaga sa course niya. Pero yung totoo, galing sa panggigitara ‘yan...

 

“Kung gusto mong mag-shift, Soo. Susuportahan kita.”

 

Naglagay si Marco ng kamay sa likod niya para haplusin at patahanin siya. Binaon ni Soo mukha niya sa dibdib ni Marco. Huminga siya ng malalim. Kahit papano, natulungan mawala ang tensyon sa katawan niya.

 

“Pangarap mo ‘yan, Soo. Gusto ko maabot mo lahat ng gusto mo.”

 

Lumakas ang pag-iyak niya at naramdaman ni Marco ang paghigpit ng kapit sa braso niya. Binaba niya ang ulo niya para halikan ang tuktok ng ulo ni Soo. Pumikit siya, at hinayaang ilabas ng lalaki ang lahat ng sama ng loob niya.

 

“ _Thank you_.”

 

Sa bulong ni Soo, dahan-dahang nawala ang kirot sa loob ni Marco.

 

Sa yakap nila, ramdam niya na okay na.

 

Sabay sa pagbilog ng buwan, at ilaw ng streetlamp. Alam ni Marco na pwede na niyang mapatawad ang sarili niya. Ang lahat ng nangyari, ang lahat ng nasabi niya noon. Okay na, dahil okay na sila ngayon.

  
  
  
  


_December 24, 2005_

\-- : -- : -- : --

 

“Soo? Seryoso ka ba?”

 

Nagbago ang mukha ni Marcong natatamaan ng ilaw ng lusis.

 

Bumigat ang loob ni Soo. Mali palang sabihin kay Marco. Dapat hindi na lang niya sinabi.

 

Linayo ni Marco ang tingin niya. Nag-angat siya ng isang kamay para hawakan ang buhok niya. Nag-iisip siya. Mukhang pinipilit niyang intindihin ang sitwasyon. Pano naisip ni Soo ito?? Pano pumasok sa isip niyang _mag-shift_??

 

“Soo, ano ka ba? Hindi mo ba narinig sinabi ni Dad kanina? Singing is a good hobby pero… to actually make a living out of it--where’s the stability in that? Pano future mo?”

 

“Marco…”

 

“Sorry, I know it’s something you really love pero hindi ko makita pano ka mabubuhay na musikero ka lang. Okay na yung Pre-med mo, eh. Okay na kung gimik-gimik lang, banda-banda lang. Pero gagawin mong _career_?”

 

Mapanghusga ang tawa ni Marco. Parang nambababa ng halaga. Hindi siya makapaniwala.

 

“Kyungsoo, ano iisipin ng parents mo? Diba sabi mo ayaw mo madisappoint sila? Pano na?”

 

Napundi ang lusis.

 

Linapat ni Soo ang kamay niya sa semento ng hagdan kung saan sila nakaupo bago itayo ang sarili niya ng maigi. Malamig ang tingin niya, wala nang emosyon pa.

 

“I thought you’d understand, Marco. I’m sorry. I guess I was wrong about that.”

 

Hindi siya lumingon nung umalis siya.

 

Mga ilang araw ang lumipas bago sila mag-usap muli. Sumapit ang bagong taon, at nagkaroon ng bagong panimula rin ang lahat.

 

Pero ang tiwala ni Soo sa kanya, parang paputok na sumiklab sa ere—napakabilis at napakaganda, ngunit madaling lumipas at naglaho kaagad.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Let me know what you think *u*
> 
> [Twitter](twitter.com/ohdyoskai) // [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/ohdyoskai)


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